Its time for home (First draft)

W.A.L.T Write a narrative

Success Criteria

I know I will be successful when….

• The title is suitable for the text.

• The orientation tells who the story is about, and when and where the story happened.
• The complication describes a problem and explains what happened next.
• The resolution explains how the problem was solved.
• Seeks feedback and makes changes to texts to improve clarity and meaning.

First draft

In Ako Nghtahi we had to write a narrative about a video. It was about a chimpanzee going into space for 65 years. My punctuation and vocabulary are in red. Here is the video space chimp. I hope you Enjoy my story.

Space chimp video

1961 I was young with hazel eyes, brown fur and I'm also from America. At the NASA Space Station, I was going to space for an experiment to see what happens to a chimpanzee in space. I Heard 5,4,3,2,1 boom!! There I was, launching up to space. I thought I was dying, but I was not It was just me launching.  My heart was pounding like a drum.

I thought to myself,  why did they chose me to go to space, why? There’s other Chimps. Yeah that’s right I’m a Chimp. I was the chosen one.

In the radio I heard a voice, “Roger are you OK?” I repeat are you ok?”

“Yes Ben”

Smash!!

“what's that Ben?”

“That's just you breaking into your capsule. OK” I will see you in five weeks.

CRCRCR…

“Ben are you OK”

“Jim Roger anyone”

5 weeks have past I'm still in space. I’m getting old slowly and slowly years after years It’s now been about four years In the capsule I would stare at my trainor well my dad because he made me into this fully grown chimp.

                              65 years later…

I woke up and see the sun shining in my eyes and then I see something in the glass reflectshine. It was me I think I had grey hair and I was all wrinkled with whiskers then I saw earth my face light up as like fire burning away. Then I press the big red button to go home as I was landing I was shaking like I was on a roller coaster then I let out the parachute I stopped shaking and then bang!! I landed on earth In America I was excited to see my owner Jim.

I open my capsule door and see a deserted city. I thought Is this America?  Where am I? I see someone in the distance I felt woozy and I got knocked out. I wake up I see the girl I asked “Who are you?

“I am Megan”

She had short brown hair with some tights and a t-shirt saying Zoo keeper.

“Megan where am I? Said the chimp.

“You're in the Zoo where you will be OK”

“A Zoo where is the other animals?”

“There are non”

“What happened?”

“ well all the other animals took over that's why I took you here” Said Megan

“We need to go”

“why ?”

“Just come on” Said Megan

“Wait I need to go back!”

“Why” Said Megan

“Because my only memory is in there”

“OK” Said Megan.

We went back to the space shuttle and looked for the picture but it was not there.

“I don’t understand”

“What's wrong” Said Megan

“ my my memory it’s gone”

“What's that?” said the chimp

“That's a stampede run!”

We hid under a broken building then I see something in the distance They were chimps. The leader Pongo said “Who are you”

“I am the space chimp”

Then I saw a chimp with a photo I asked.

“Hey what's that in your hand”

“This is just some rubbish I found In a space ship”

“Hey that's mine pass me it”

“ give it back said Megan”

The chimp throw the picture away.

“No” said the chimp

“ let's go on a trip on you are the bate”

“Run!” said Megan

I ran as fast as I can they got pass Megan and now they are coming for me. I feel a slap!! As I hit the ground. Then I found the picture from when he throw it away. I grabbed it and said good bye but then I see Jim.

“Jim is that really you”

“Yes we need to get out of here”

“No wait”

“What” said Jim

“ we need Megan”

“OK but quickly”

I quickly got Megan and went back to Jim then we left. To United States of America.

	Punctuation	Vocabulary
Self	R5	R5
Peer	R5	R4